Crichton's Lampooned Vacation
by Ian K
Summary: John and Aeryn take a vacation in paradise, but hilarity and disater result.


Crichton's Lampooned Vacation  
  
By Ian K.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: Yes-Seasons One through Three.  
  
Disclaimer: I did not create Farscape, the universe of Farscape, or its characters. I merely borrowed them for this story, for which I will receive no monetary compensation. No infringement of copyright intended.  
  
Time Frame: Sometime between "Different Destinations" and "Eat Me".  
  
Summary: John and Aeryn take a vacation, but hilarity and disaster result.  
  
*  
John Crichton was a man on the brink of exhaustion. The events of the past monen has been extremely trying on the lost Human astronaut, and he was beginning to feel like his life was spinning more and more out of control. But now, John was a man on a new mission: packing for a vacation.  
  
Crichton loaded a couple of things on his Farscape module in preparation for leaving Moya to take some much needed time off. He had asked Pilot to take him to the planet Acquara, a world he had been stranded on for three monens about a cycle and a half ago. It was one of the few places he had been since going through the wormhole where he had felt totally relaxed and content. He wanted to feel that again, he needed to feel that again.  
  
Aeryn walked into the landing bay, and watched Crichton load his module. Recent events had been draining for her as well, but she didn't feel the need to leave Moya to go to some primitive planet for a few days. Yes, she needed rest. They all did. But this thing Crichton calls a vacation just sounds strange to the former Peacekeeper.  
  
"John," said Aeryn.  
  
"Hey," he replied.  
  
"So, are you almost ready to go on your 'vacation'?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, I sure am. I'll be leaving within the arn."  
  
"John," said Aeryn. "I know you have explained this to me, but perhaps you could explain it again. How is going on a camp out going to help you deal with the stress we have endured lately?"  
  
"Aeryn," replied John, "I need a change in surroundings. Everywhere I go on Moya, I am reminded of all of the dren that has been going down lately. Your death, my brain surgery, Zhaan's death. The incident at the peace memorial was just the icing on the cake. I loved camping when I was a kid. It's the only way to really get away from it all."  
  
Aeryn looked at John thoughtfully for a few moments. "John," she said. "Would....would you like some company on this vacation?"  
  
Crichton turned and gave Aeryn a shocked look. He smiled as he spoke. "Aeryn, did you...you want to go on vacation with me?"  
  
"Well, it sounds like a method of relieving stress. I need the rest. Why not?"  
  
"Come on, Aeryn. You're trying to tell me that's all of it? You want to go to be with me, don't you?"   
  
Crichton walked up to Aeryn, and took her hands in his. "Don't you?" he repeated in a low voice.  
  
"John, I....do you want me to go, or not?" she asked conclusively.  
  
"I'd love to have you along," replied John.  
  
"Very well," said Aeryn. "Let me get a few things together. We leave in an arn?"  
  
"Yeah, an arn," said Crichton.  
  
"Good, I'll be ready."  
  
Aeryn turned and walked towards her quarters, leaving a shocked, but pleased, Crichton standing the landing bay watching her go. "Wow," he thought. "A few days on a beautiful planet with Aeryn. This is going to be great. Maybe I can use this as a way to get through some of those barriers she has put up."  
  
Crichton turned back to preparing his module for the trip.  
  
**  
Crichton landed his module on the surface of Acquara near the village where he had made some friends when he was stranded here a cycle and a half ago. As he and Aeryn got out of the module, John stood on the solid ground and took a deep breath. So much has happened to Crichton since he was last here, but this place had seemed at first glance and first breath to have remained the same.  
  
Aeryn activated her comm. "D'Argo, this is Aeryn. We are down safely."  
  
"Good. We will be back for you both in 4 days."  
  
"Thanks, big guy," said John into the comm.  
  
The pair gathered together their things, and proceeded to the nearby Acquaran village. As they walked through the forest, Crichton looked around in happy contentment at his surroundings. They felt so familiar, so much like...Earth. John could almost see him and his Dad fishing in the lake that they now skirted to get to the village.  
  
When they entered the village, the Acquarans eyed the visitors with a little bit of worry and suspicion. Two Acquaran warriors approached them, spears leveled. "Who are you?" one asked.  
  
John placed his hands up in front of himself as a gesture of good will. "Take it easy, we aren't here to harm anyone. I am looking for Kato-Re, the leader of your village. My name is John Crichton."  
  
"John!" someone yelled. It was a woman's voice that came from the crowd of curious villagers. Lashala, the young woman who John had befriended in his previous stay on Acquara, came running at John. She looked just as she had when John had known her, except that she had seemed to put on weight.  
  
John hugged Lashala, much to Aeryn's consternation. "Hey there," said John. "You remembered me?"  
  
"Of course," said Lashala. "How could I forget the man from the stars who had been our friend for so long?" She looked at the dark haired woman standing behind John, who also happened to be looking at her with a perturbed expression.  
  
"Oh, um, Lashala," began Crichton, "this is Aeryn Sun, the woman I had told you about. Aeryn, this is..."  
  
"Lashala," interrupted Aeryn. "I gathered that."  
  
"Lashala," said John. "Where is your father?"  
  
"He is in his hut. Come, I will take you to him."  
  
Lashala led John and Aeryn through the village to the adorned hut of Kato-Re, leader of the village. When he saw John, Kato-Re stood with a smile and warmly greeted his old friend.  
  
"Alloway masata," said John, making a bowing and hand motion in deference to Kato-Re.  
  
"Alloway masata," replied Kato-Re. "It has been so long, yet you remember, my friend Crichton. Welcome."  
  
"Thank you," said John. "May I introduce my friend, Aeryn Sun."  
  
Kato-Re and Aeryn exchanged a nod. "John Crichton spoke of you often when he was here," said Kato-Re. "You are very special to him."  
  
"Yes, I know," came Aeryn's simple reply.  
  
"So," said Kato-Re. "What brings you back here, John?"  
  
"Well, I have very fond memories of my visit to your world," said John. "I'm afraid my life in space has not been well lately. I and my companion need a place to rest."  
  
"Ah, a place of refuge and contentment," said Kato-Re. "I understand. Well, you are welcome to use one of our huts..."  
  
"Actually," said John. "Aeryn and I were hoping to camp alone by the lake, in a more secluded setting."  
  
Kato-Re looked at Aeryn and smiled. "Ah, I see, my friend. You and your mate would like some privacy."  
  
"I'm not his mate," said Aeryn.  
  
"Not yet," thought Crichton. "But we would like privacy," said John. "I hope this is okay."  
  
"Of course," said Kato-Re. "You and your dominar, Rygel, did so much to help us. It is the least we can do to repay you. You are both welcomed here."  
  
"Thank you," said John. "Now, if you'll excuse us. We'd like to make camp before it gets dark."  
  
"Of course," said Kato-Re. "I hope you will visit again before you leave."  
  
"Absolutely," said John. "Thank you."  
  
Lashala walked with John and Aeryn until they got out of the village. She told them that she had married Rokon, and that they were expecting their first child. Crichton congratulated her, and hoped that they would be happy together. When they got out of the village, Lashala said goodbye and returned to her people. John and Aeryn proceeded to find a camp site for the night, somewhere next to the lake.  
  
**********************************  
The next morning, Aeryn woke up to the sound of splashing in the water of the nearby lake. She opened her eyes and saw that Crichton's sleeping mat was empty. Aeryn figured that Crichton had awakened to take a swim in the lake.  
  
They had set up camp the night before on a small beach by the lake about a quarter of an arns walk from the village. John and Aeryn set up a shelter with a couple of mats to sleep on, and then sat down to a dinner of food cubes. John said that he would "rustle them up" something better for breakfast.  
  
Aeryn got up and went towards the lake. She saw Crichton standing in the water up to his waist, holding a makeshift wooden spear. He was apparently trying to catch some fish. Aeryn smiled as she admired his bare chest, letting her eyes wander over his husky build and handsome chest. She looked down and saw John's boots, shirt, and pants laying on the ground.   
  
"Good morning," said John from the lake.  
  
Aeryn looked up and smiled. "Good morning," came her reply. "John, if all of your clothes are here, then that means..."  
  
"Uh, huh," said Crichton with a smile. "I am doing this el fresco. Leather doesn't do too well in water, and I didn't want to get my underwear wet. I was hoping to be done and cooking you fish for breakfast by the time we got up, but the fish don't seem to be cooperating."  
  
"Are you sure the fish here is edible?"  
  
"I lived here for a quarter of a cycle, remember. The fish here are not only edible, they are delicious cooked over an open fire."  
  
At that point, John moved in the water and apparently stepped on a high spot on the lake bottom. For a brief moment, John's body rose out of the water, and Aeryn caught a glimpse of John's manhood. "The fish is not all that is delicious in that lake," thought Aeryn.  
  
"Sorry," said John. "Didn't mean to flash you?"  
  
"That's alright," said Aeryn. "I've seen it before."   
  
"Yeah, but still, I don't like just running around showing my endowments to the world," said John. "My Mother raised me right."  
  
That was when a mischievous idea entered her head. She looked down at the clothes, smiled, and picked them up from the ground. "Oh, John!" she yelled mischievously.  
  
John looked at her, and saw the rarely seen playful look on Aerie's face. He also saw that she had his clothes in her clutches. "Um, Aeryn," he said nervously. "What are you doing?"  
  
"What's the matter, John?" she asked. "Scared to come and get your clothes back."  
  
"Come on, Aeryn, quit foolin around. Put my clothes down so I can get out."  
  
"What's keeping you from getting out now?" asked Aeryn.  
  
"Aeryn..."  
  
"Come and get them, John," said Aeryn, as she backed away from the lakeshore.  
  
"Aeryn!" yelled John.  
  
"Come on, John. Be a man. Come and get your clothes back, if you are brave enough."  
  
"She's challenging me," thought John. "She's teasing me. Well, I'll just have to call her bluff."  
  
John marched out of the water, not breaking stride as he rose naked out of the lake and onto the shore. Aeryn was a bit taken aback by seeing John approaching her with naked body, but confident demeanor.  
  
He walked right up to Aeryn, and got within inches of her. "You were saying, Aeryn."  
  
At that point, John grabbed Aeryn, and picked her up. "John! Put me down," she said with insincere anger.   
  
John turned around and walked back towards the lake. Aeryn knew what John was going to do. "No, John. Don't you dare!" she yelled with laughter. "John, put me down!"  
  
John stepped into the lake up to his knees, then looked at Aeryn's face. "Okay, I'll put you down."  
  
"No, John..." The rest of her sentence was interrupted by John dropping her into the water. Aeryn splashed in the water, and John looked over her laughing like an idiot.  
  
"You asked for it," said John, still roaring with laughter.  
  
Aeryn then yanked at his legs, and tripped him into the water as well. The two began to wrestle each other, splashing and playing in the water like two children. But after a few moments, the splashing and laughter stopped. John and Aeryn looked at each other with a meaningful look and smile.  
  
The two of them then began to passionately kiss. John pulled Aeryn into his arms, as she ran her hands up John's bare torso. He reached down and lifted up her black tank top, and quickly stripped it off of her. She pulled off her pants and underwear, joining Crichton in a state of naked abandon. They threw Aeryn's clothes onto the beach with John, and continued to embrace and kiss each other in the cool water of the lake.  
  
After a few minutes of making out, Aeryn thought she heard a noise on shore, possibly someone in their camp. Modesty shaking herself out of a state of reckless sexual abandon, she looked away from John and onto the shore.  
  
As John kissed her neck, Aeryn surveyed the camp with her eyes and saw no one there. However, a closer examination revealed that there was something wrong, something very important missing from the camp.  
  
"John!" yelled Aeryn.  
  
He groaned, and looked into her face. "What?" he asked with irritation, the result of being interrupted from his exploration of Aeryn's neck with his mouth.  
  
"John, our clothes are gone."  
  
"What, no they're..." John stopped short with what he was saying when he too looked on shore and saw that they're clothes were gone.  
  
The couple ran out of the water, their mutual nakedness failing to slow them as they went straight for their weapons. However, much to their chagrin, the bags with their weapons and extra clothes were also gone from the camp.  
  
"What the frell is going on here?" asked Aeryn.  
  
"Someone must have stolen our stuff," said Crichton. "Come on. We'll go to the village and see...."  
  
"John," said Aeryn. "Um, remember," she said, gesturing at his, then her naked bodies.  
  
"Oh, shit," said John. "We don't have any clothes."  
  
*******************************  
"I look ridiculous," said Aeryn with consternation.  
  
Crichton had managed to gather together some brush to wrap together for make shift clothing for him and Aeryn. Unfortunately, there was only enough to cover the most private areas on their bodies. John had enough on to cover his loins, while Aeryn wore brush over her breasts and nether regions. It was not very fashionable, but it took care of the problems of modesty.  
  
"Aeryn, I don't look very GQ myself right now," replied John. "But it's the best I could do."  
  
"Yes, well, when I find whoever stole our clothing, I am going to feed them this brush," she said. "Speaking of that, I found some tracks that lead off towards the village."  
  
"Okay," said John. "Let's track them."  
  
The pair started off into the forest following the trail left behind by the thieves. The trail became harder to follow as they got further into the forest.  
  
In the meantime, Aeryn began to scratch herself under the brush she was wearing. She was grumbling under breath, and finally spoke to Crichton with consternation. "John, what the frell is this brush you gave me to wear?"  
  
"I don't know," replied John. "Just some of the local flora."  
  
"This 'local flora' is causing me to itch all over. I think I even feel bugs crawling around in this brush."  
  
"I know," said John. "I've got an itch from this stuff where the sun don't shine. But, its either this, or catch up with the thieves naked."  
  
Just then, they heard the sound of engines in the sky. The pair looked up and saw a small ship descend from the air and land just beyond the trees.  
  
"Who the frell is that?" asked John.  
  
"I don't know," said Aeryn. "But we'd better take a look. It could be anyone, even Peacekeepers."  
  
John and Aeryn made their way towards the area where they saw the ship descend into the trees. As they climbed over a hill, they saw the ship sitting in a clearing. Four figures were walking around the ship, so John and Aeryn took cover so they wouldn't be seen. After closer observation, John and Aeryn recognized the figures.  
  
"Hey, Aeryn, those are Tavloids."  
  
"Tavleks," she replied.  
  
"Whatever," said John. "What are they doing here?"  
  
"Could be anything, John," said Aeryn. "They could be here to make repairs on their ship, or to replenish supplies..."  
  
They then heard loud voices coming from two of the figures. John and Aeryn crept closer to hear their conversation.  
  
"How far is the native village?" said one of the Tavleks.  
  
"About 10 metras from here," replied another.  
  
"Good," said the first. "We should be able to move in on the village and take it by sunset. By tomorrow, we can start to set up our mining operations."  
  
"Mining operations?" whispered Aeryn. "I wonder what they could be mining?"  
  
"Well," began John, "I remember Kato-Re telling me once that Acquara was of interest to their ancestors because of its mineral wealth. Something called Legara..."  
  
"Legara!" said Aeryn. "That is a very rare mineral. It would fetch a high price on the interstellar market."  
  
"But why are they going to take over the Acquaran village?" asked John.  
  
"There are only four of them, not enough to sustain a mining operation. Which means..."  
  
"Slave labor," said John. "We've got to stop them."  
  
"John, in case you forgot, we have no weapons. We don't even have any proper clothing. Yet, you expect us to go up against armed Tavleks."  
  
"I've got an idea," said John. "Come on."  
  
"Oh, wonderful," said Aeryn sarcastically. "Crichton has an idea. I wonder how many bruises this is going to cause."  
  
Aeryn followed John back into the forest. After a few microts, John stopped and began to break a few branches off of trees. He tested them for pliability and tensile strength, and found two that seemed to suite his purpose. John then began to pull down some vines that were hanging from the trees.  
  
"John, what are you doing?" asked Aeryn.  
  
"Well, we don't have our pulse pistols, and we are going to need weapons. So, its time to improvise. I'm making a couple of bows."  
  
"Bows?"  
  
"Yeah. Ancient weapons from my world. I learned to make them in the scouts when I was a boy. I'm going to tie these vines to these branches, and make a weapons that we can launch arrows at them with."  
  
"Are arrows some form of projectile?"  
  
"Yes," said John.   
  
"John, how can you call such a primitive contrivance a weapon?"  
  
"Aeryn, at the right range and aim, a bow and arrow can be just a deadly as a pulse pistol. Besides, its all we've got."  
  
*************************************  
John and Aeryn waited in the brush for the Tavleks to come down the path to the Acquaran village. It had taken a little while, but John had been able to acquaint Aeryn with the proper use of a bow and arrow. Unfortunately, because of the materials available, these bows would have a limited range and effectiveness. This is especially true considering they had no feathers for the arrows to make them fly further and straighter.  
  
The pair did not have to wait for long. The Tavleks came up the path, not paying much attention to their surroundings. They were overconfident, thinking that they were just going up against a village of primitives with their gauntlets. John and Aeryn waited for the right moment, then struck.  
  
John was the first one to let fly with an arrow. He launched his arrow at the lead Tavlek, and it found its mark in his leg. The Tavlek screamed in pain, clutching his leg and falling to his knees. Aeryn attacked next, sending an arrow at another of the Tavleks. Unfortunately, her shot missed, and the Tavleks quickly returned fire with their gauntlets.  
  
Under fire, John and Aeryn scattered to find deeper cover. As John ran through the woods, his improvised brush covering began to fall off of his body. John had to keep pulling it up as he ran. He came into a small clearing, with the Tavleks close on his heels.  
  
John decided to turn and make a stand. Proudly, Crichton turned to face his pursuers, his bow and arrow at the ready. The Tavleks stopped short and took in the sight before them: a Sebacean-looking man wearing nothing but a clump of brush, and holding some kind of primitive weapon.   
  
As John moved to fire, he became distracted by the realization that his brush covering was again falling down. This time, with his weapon in his hand, John could do nothing to stop it. The brush fell down around Crichton's ankles, leaving him naked before his enemies.  
  
The Tavleks looked with shock at their enemy, now naked, but still holding his primitive weapon at the ready. They then looked at each other, and began to roar with laughter. For a few moments, the Tavleks continued laughing at the ridiculous sight before them. Finally, with a few more slight chuckles, one of the Tavleks spoke. "Kill him," said the Tavlek.  
  
Just then, the Tavleks heard someone make a noise behind them. The three of them turned to be greeted to the sight of a beautiful Sebacean woman standing naked before them. "Hello, boys," said Aeryn, playfully. "Want to play?"  
  
The Tavleks stood in shock, and totally forgot about their enemy behind them. John did not waist the opportunity Aeryn's appearance had provided. He picked up a fallen tree branch and struck one of the Tavleks on the back of the head. When the other two moved to defend themselves, Aeryn struck at them with a few well placed jabs and kicks. Within a few moments, all of the Tavleks were incapacitated.  
  
"So much for your bows, John," said Aeryn.  
  
"Yeah," replied John. "I should have realized that we had much more powerful weapons available." He said that last part with an admiring eye directed towards Aeryn's body.  
  
Aeryn looked down, and remembered her state of nakedness. She quickly turned to get her brush covering back on, while John did the same. They then proceeded to tie up the Tavleks they had captured. John and Aeryn decided to tie them to a tree and report their whereabouts to the Acquaran warriors when they got to the village.  
  
**  
A few arns later, John and Aeryn were laying on mats on the floor of a hut in the Acquaran village. When they came into the village, they were treated to an appropriate amount of giggling from the villagers. Kato-Re exited his hut, and was completely taken aback by John and Aeryn in their brush clothing.  
  
John and Aeryn reported their encounter with the Tavleks to Kato-Re. Rokon, Lashala's husband, quickly led his warriors back to the spot where John and Aeryn had left the Tavleks to secure them and bring them to the village. In the meantime, Lashala had found John's and Aeryn's clothes. They had been taken by a couple of Acquaran children who had gone to John's and Aeryn's camp out of curiosity about the visitors to their homeworld. The children had taken the clothes and bags as a prank, but were made well aware by Lashala of how wrong it was to do what they did.  
  
But John's and Aeryn's troubles were not over. It turns out that the brush John had chosen to cover Aeryn and himself up with caused a severe rash when it came into prolonged contact with skin. As a result, John and Aeryn now had large, red rashes on the most sensitive parts of their bodies. Now, they were laying on their mats, as a pissed off Aeryn eyed Crichton.  
  
"John, have I thanked you SO VERY MUCH for this rash in the past few microts?" she asked sarcastically.  
  
"You did. Exactly 100 microts ago, just like the last 4 times. Aeryn, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry."  
  
"I really don't want to hear your apologies right now, John. This salve stuff that they put on us smells worse than Rygel, we are covered with red welts, and we are laying on the ground of a hut. Forgive me if I am not in a good mood, Crichton. All I do know is that the next time you want to take a vacation, leave me out of it."  
  
"Come on, Aeryn," said John. "It was actually kind of nice for a while there."   
  
Aeryn thought about their passionate embrace in the lake. "That part had been nice," she thought. "But I won't tell him that. At least, not now."  
  
"Its not my fault our clothes were stolen," began John, "or that the brush we used for clothes was poisonous, or that those Tavloids arrived..."  
  
"Tavleks!"  
  
"Whatever! The point is..."  
  
"The point is, that if you hadn't of conceived of this little visit to Acquara, none of this would have happened. I would be on Moya now, wearing my clothes, and...."  
  
"Smelling like your normal, sweet self," said John seductively.  
  
Aeryn looked at John with a pointed expression. "I'm not in the mood." That was all she said, and John knew what it meant. "I just can't wait for Moya to get back here, so we can get off of this rock."  
  
The two of them laid there quietly for a few moments. Then, Aeryn smiled and spoke again. "John, its been 100 microts. Thank you so much for this rash...."  
  
"AERYN! ENOUGH!" yelled Crichton.  
  
The End 


End file.
